Where My Answers Lie
by Ronda Sexton
Summary: Spock has learned from V'Ger that his answers lie elsewhere. How will he apply that knowledge. Sequel to Indiscrete Behaviors.


  
Title: Where My Answers Lie  
Author: Ronda Sexton  
Series: TOS  
Code: Spock/Christine  
Rating: PG13  
  
This is a sequel to Indiscreet Behaviors, but stands alone.  
  
  
  
I sat in my sterile quarters. I had brought very little with  
me when I joined the Enterprise during the V'Ger mission.  
One does not take common, mundane things to the austere  
life of Gol. So I had very little to bring with me upon my  
departure. V'Ger had taught me many things. T'sai had  
been correct when she had said 'Your answer lies  
elsewhere, Spock.' My meld with V'ger had been a step to  
discovering that answer.  
  
Logic, without emotion was a barren wasteland. V'Ger's  
quest had taught me that. I had fled the Enterprise at the  
end of our five year mission. Jim was being promoted to  
Admiral. Dr. McCoy was retiring. Suddenly the two  
people whom I was closest on the Enterprise would be  
gone from my life. Starfleet wanted to make me a Captain.  
I had no true desire to command, but they expected me to  
take over the Enterprise. I drew a deep breath as I recalled  
that fateful party. The one I had become inebriated at  
while attending. Dr. Chapel had also suffered from the  
same condition during that party. She and I had engaged in  
a very undignified display at the party, then we had  
departed for her quarters and spent the evening engaging in  
reacting scenes from 'My Vulcan Love Master.' We had  
awakened in her bed with no memory of how we got there.  
  
However, after I talked to Jim and she to Dr. McCoy, we  
had learned of our behavior. At the time, I could not  
believe I had acted in such a manner. With all that was  
happening at the end of the five year mission, I felt as if my  
life was totally out of my control. At the time, it seemed  
the only means of regaining control would be to purge my  
human emotions by undergoing the Kolinahr.  
  
Now, I knew that path was not my destiny. My mind  
drifted to Dr. Chapel, her capable care in sickbay had been  
purely professional. I wondered if she still had any feelings  
for me. Through my attempt at Kolinahr, I had recalled the  
night of the party. The purpose of my meditation earlier  
this evening had been considering that night. I admitted to  
myself that the Romulan Ale had merely lowered my  
inhibitions and allowed me to express my feelings that my  
Vulcan nature caused me to repress. The feelings that  
were still very much present. If she still felt the same, then  
I wanted to pursue a relationship with her.  
  
I was uncertain what sort of acceptance I would receive  
from her. My cold treatment of all the crew when I first  
arrived on board had hurt many of them. In sickbay, she  
had been totally immersed in my care. She had been busy  
doing her job and had remained totally focused on the task  
at hand.........................  
  
We were on a shakedown cruise now. They had given the  
Enterprise back to Jim. I would be staying on as First  
Officer and Science Officer. Dr. McCoy was staying as  
well. Christine would remain as Assistant Chief Medical  
Officer. I was pleased that we would all be together. The  
refitted Enterprise was proving to be a most efficient ship.  
Since the Science Department was running smoothly, I had  
extra time on my hands. I finally came to a decision. If  
Christine rejected me as I had rejected her all those years, I  
would simply have to convince her of my sincerity.  
  
After consulting the computer, I made my way to her  
quarters. I was not sure what to do or say, only that I had to  
talk with her. I did not want to deny this aspect of my dual  
nature any longer. My hand trembled as I pressed the  
chime to request entry. The door slid open, and I saw her  
sitting at her desk. She was in off duty attire. The soft  
pink silk blouse and black velvet pants clung jealously to  
her every curve. It was as if they had been engineered for  
her body alone. She rose slowly, watching me with keen  
assessment of my condition.  
  
"What can I do for you, Mr. Spock?" she asked me softly,  
as she reached for the medical tricoder on her desk.  
  
"No, that will not be necessary," I assured her. "I wish to  
talk with you." I stared at her, hoping my eyes could  
communicate my sincerity. If I could not convince her that  
I truly wanted to explore the possibilities I had learned  
from V'ger, then I would have lost.  
  
She gazed at me with a bit of uncertainty. Then, she  
nodded and walked over to a chair near her sofa and sat  
down. I sat on the sofa near her. We sat in silence for a  
few minutes. Finally, I found the courage to speak.  
  
"I have learned much in the past several hours," I began  
slowly. She nodded, and I continued. "I had thought my  
answers lie in achieving Kolinahr, that only by purging my  
emotions completely would I be at peace. However T'sai  
was correct in concluding my answers were not to be found  
at Gol."  
  
"What have you learned, Spock?" asked Christine me in a  
soft gentle voice. Her blue eyes were pools in which I  
could see her very soul. She was waiting for me to  
continue, and seemed ready to help me in any way she  
could.  
  
I chose my words very carefully. Expressing myself in  
such terms was not easy. It went against everything I'd ever  
been taught. "I have learned that I can no longer ignore the  
duality nature. My experience with V'Ger has shown me  
the sterility of mere logic and knowledge alone. V'Ger  
asked, 'Is this all I am. Is there no more.' I find myself  
facing the same questions. I am discovering that I need  
more, so much more."  
  
I reached out and touched her hand. When she did not pull  
away, I took her cool hand in mine. "I wish to discuss  
something you may not be comfortable with, but during my  
time at Gol, as I was purging my emotions, memories of  
the night of the party returned with stunning clarity."  
  
I watched her swallow nervously. I hoped I was not  
making a mistake. "It was then, I realized that the only  
thing the Romulan Ale had truly done was lower my  
inhibitions so that I could freely admit what I felt for you.  
What I still feel for you."  
  
I stared at her, awaiting for her to respond. Those few  
seconds of waiting seemed as an eternity.  
  
I watched as her blue eyes welled up with tears. "What do  
you feel for me, Spock?" she asked me gently.  
  
"I love you," I answered her huskily. I watched as tears  
spilled out of her eyes. Reaching over, I wiped the tears  
from her cheeks.  
  
"I never stopped loving you," she whispered softly, as she  
gripped my that held hers.  
  
I stood to my feet and drew her into my arms. I held her  
close. I knew I had not lost her. She lifted her face to look  
at me. It was all the invitation I needed. My lips met hers  
in a soft lingering kiss.  
  
After our lips parted, I guided her over to the sofa, and we  
sat close. I brushed my fingers across her cheek. She was  
so beautiful.  
  
"I want us to develop a relationship," I began. "I know my  
past behavior has been contradictory to this. I only ask that  
you give the relationship a chance."  
  
"I would like for us to develop a relationship," she  
whispered softly to me.  
  
We sat there, just holding each other for a long time.  
Finally, when I sensed she was getting sleepy, I spoke up,  
"Christine, you are fatigued. I am going to return to my  
quarters. I would be honored if you would join me for  
breakfast."  
  
"I will be happy to join you," she said softly.  
  
"I will stop by for you at 0700 hours," I replied. Then, I  
drew her close and kissed her with as much passion as I  
was able. "Goodnight, my th'y'la."  
  
"Goodnight, Spock," she answered softly, her eyes shining  
with joy.  
  
As I walked back to my quarters, I contemplated this step I  
had taken. For the first time in my life, I felt as if I truly  
belonged. Christine's easy acceptance of me, along with  
the rest of the crew's welcome had given me that belonging.  
I had found my answers here among my friends.  
  
I woke up early the next morning. I meditated, as was my  
custom. There seemed to be such a difference now that I  
had accepted myself for who I was. Peace suffused my  
inner being. After I had finished, it was time to go and pick  
up Christine for breakfast. We were certainly going to turn  
heads when we entered the Mess Hall together. I was not  
concerned for myself, but I did not want Christine to feel  
uncomfortable. I cared for her too much to permit that to  
happen. I pressed the chime to announce my presence to  
her.  
  
I watched as her door slid open. As she walked out she  
smiled at me. "Good morning, Mr. Spock."  
  
"Good morning, Christine," I replied warmly. I gave her a  
quick, small smile. "I am pleased you are joining me for  
breakfast this morning."  
  
"I am delighted to be joining you, Spock," she assured me  
with a lovely smile.  
  
We walked down the corridor together. As we entered the  
turbolift, I decided to take advantage of the fact that we  
were the only ones using it. I swiftly kissed her, not  
wanting to risk a longer, passion filled kiss like the one we  
had shared last night. There would be ample time this  
evening to indulge ourselves. Her surprised smile was  
worth the risk I had taken.  
  
The turbolift stopped, and we got off. We quickly moved  
through the corridor to get to the mess hall. As we entered,  
several people stared, but we walked in as if it were  
something we did everyday. From now on, we would be  
doing this everyday. Eventually, they would no longer  
stare.  
  
As we sat down with our selections, I noticed that Christine  
appeared to be embarrassed.  
  
"Christine," I began softly. "Do not let their stares bother  
you. In due time the crew will become accustomed to  
seeing us together."  
  
Her beautiful smile lit up her face. "I know, Spock. I'm  
just not used to being the center of attention."  
  
"Nor am I, but being with you is indeed worth the extra  
attention we are drawing," I assured her. I had to find a  
way to make her comfortable. I did not want to lose her.  
  
"I feel the same way about being with you, Spock," she  
replied with a shy smile.  
  
I saw Captain Kirk walk into the mess hall. When he  
spotted us together, he was surprised, but did not stare. A  
few well directed glares at those who were staring quickly  
redirected their attentions. It appeared since I had finally  
found happiness that he was going to make sure no one  
made Christine or myself feel uncomfortable.  
  
The next person I observed entering the mess hall was Dr.  
McCoy. He raised an eyebrow, then proceeded to a food  
slot and got his breakfast. I was grateful he joined the  
Captain instead of joining us. I focused my attention back  
on Christine. "Perhaps you will join me after shift for a  
stroll in the Arboretum?" I watched her carefully, hoping  
her answer would be affirmative.  
  
"I would enjoy walking with you in the Arboretum," she  
answered with a smile.  
  
We finished our breakfasts, then we parted at the turbolift  
to go to our duty shifts. I took my station and began  
working, knowing that in the evening I would be with my  
T'hy'la again.  
  
That evening as we walked in the Arboretum, I held her  
hand. It was quiet and peaceful there. A mere mention of  
our plans to Jim, and we had the place to ourselves. I was  
pleased that there was no one to hinder our interaction. I  
felt more freedom than I ever had known in my life. I  
stopped and drew her into my arms. She gazed expectantly  
at me, and I bent to brush my lips against hers. As we  
kissed, Christine placed her hand on my cheek. I pulled  
her into my arms and deepened the kiss. If others had been  
here, I would not have been able to do so. I drew her over  
to a bench so we could sit. I keep my arms around her. I  
did not wish to let her go. She nestled her head against my  
shoulder, and I leaned my head against hers. We sat in that  
manner for some time. Peace settled over us as a sunset in  
the desert. Finally, we had to return to our quarters due to  
the lateness of the hour. At her door, I carefully checked to  
see that corridor was clear, then kissed her  
goodnight.........................................  
  
We had concluded the shakedown and started a new five  
year assignment. It had taken a few weeks, but at last  
people appeared to have lost interest in the fact that  
Christine and I had become a couple. We spent quite a bit  
of time in each other's quarters, preferring to keep our  
relationship as private as possible. I found that kissing,  
when not forced into by others, was quite pleasant.  
  
We had spent the past six weeks exploring our relationship.  
Christine glowed with happiness. While I did not show it  
outwardly as much as she did, others had noticed a change  
in me as well. I was certain that I wanted Christine to be  
my bondmate. I did not wish to push her into something  
she might not be ready for, so I had not spoken of it to her  
as of yet. However, I knew that I must speak of it to her  
before long, for I deeply desired her, and did not want to  
engage in physical intimacy without the marital bond. The  
bond would enhance our physical union in ways that had to  
be experienced to be understood.  
  
This evening, as we sat in her quarters after having eaten a  
repast of both Vulcan and Human foods, I considered how  
much I truly wanted to bond with her. If only I could be  
sure she was ready to bond with me. I looked down at her  
head where it rested on my shoulder. Her exquisite  
sapphire blue eyes met mine questioningly.  
  
"You're certainly quiet tonight, Spock. Is everything all  
right?" she asked me.  
  
"I am content, my T'hy'la. Only one thing would make me  
more so," I replied.  
  
She reached up and gently caressed my cheek, and then  
traced my ear, sending shudders of desire through me.  
"What one thing would that be," she whispered seductively  
to me.  
  
I swallowed as desire continued to course through me.  
There could be no more waiting, we both wanted each  
other so much. We had to bond tonight. Forcing myself to  
remain calm, I began. "Christine, these past six weeks  
have been extraordinary. I know I have truly found my  
answers this time. I...." My voice faltered. Her gaze never  
left mine as she waited for me to continue. "I wish for us  
to bond tonight," I finished slowly.  
  
I watched as her eyes began to flood with tears. Her hand  
cupped my cheek tenderly.  
  
"Oh, Spock," she sighed tenderly. "I want to bond with you  
so much."  
  
I pulled her to me in a crushing embrace. She had agreed  
to become my bondmate. I knew that with her at my side I  
could do anything. After a time, I eased her away from me  
so we could initiate the bonding ritual.  
  
"It would please me for us to bond immediately," I  
whispered. I reached for her face, and she reached for  
mine. I carefully positioned my fingers on her face, and  
she mirrored that, placing her fingers on mine. I began the  
meld that would ultimately forge our bond. After tonight,  
we would be as one forevermore. I touched the deepest  
part of her mind. It was time to begin.  
  
"Christine, parted from me, yet never parted. Never and  
always touching and touched. I come to take thee as my  
bondmate, now and forever."  
  
It was her turn, and I prompted her mentally as to what she  
was to say.  
  
"Spock, parted from me, yet never parted. Never and  
always touching and touched. I come to thee as thy  
bondmate, now and forever. We will be as one."  
  
"We are as one." I strengthened the meld and the  
permanent bonding link was formed between us. It was  
finished. I slowly withdrew from her mind. As our minds  
parted, I once more gathered her into my arms. I could feel  
her contentment through the bond. I also felt her rising  
desire for me, and it further inflamed mine. I pulled her  
closer and lifted her face to mine. My lips descended upon  
hers in a mind numbing kiss. Our combined desires were  
nearly overwhelming.  
  
I broke off the kiss and stared at the radiant expression on  
her face. I did not want to wait any longer to fully claim  
her. I extended my right hand towards her with the first  
two fingers extended. She immediately copied the gesture  
and touched her fingers to mine. As feelings flowed back  
and forth between us, I made my request.  
  
"Christine, my T'hy'la, I would like very much to  
consummate our relationship. I have thought of this often,  
and want to have total intimacy with you.  
  
She smiled, then took my hand, stood and led me to her  
bed. As we stood at the side of her bed, I began to disrobe  
her at a leisurely pace, taking time to kiss and caress each  
bit of flesh as it was revealed.  
  
As I removed her garments, she worked on undressing me  
as well. Her hands trembled as she removed each item I  
was wearing.  
  
Finally, we stood before each other completely unclothed.  
I stared in awe at her comely form. She was exceptionally  
lovely. At the same time, she stared at my body as well.  
  
I pulled her against my heated form and kissed her with a  
fiery passion that surprised me. She responded with  
equally hot passion. I gently guided her body down to the  
bed with mine. Tonight, I would have what I had long  
desired.......................................  
  
I awakened prior to Christine doing so. I lay next to her  
watching her. Last night, we had made love several times.  
Unlike that night after we left the party, we had both been  
in full command of ourselves. There would be no shock  
and regrets this morning. As she began to rouse from her  
slumber, I pulled her close and began kissing her.  
  
"Good morning, Spock," she murmured sleepily.  
  
"Good morning, Christine, " I answered.  
  
She cuddled up close to me and I tightened my arms around  
her. I could scarcely believe that this beautiful woman  
was actually mine.  
  
"This is so much better than the last time we woke up  
together," she murmured against my chest.  
  
"Indeed, it is. I myself had contemplated the very same  
thing as I watched you sleep," I admitted.  
  
She smiled what could only be described as a wicked  
smile. "I think we should watch 'My Vulcan Love Master'  
together sometime, and reenact the scenes with each other.  
This time, we won't be bombed out of our minds, and we  
won't have regrets in the morning."  
  
I raised an eyebrow at her statement. "Your idea has merit.  
Perhaps after shift this evening, we could view that  
program in my quarters, then experiment with the  
techniques used in various scenes."  
  
"Yes," she said with a sexy smile. "And this time I'll  
remember everything the next morning."  
  
I bent down and kissed her again. I knew I had found my  
answers, and with Christine at my side, I knew I would  
continue on the path I had started.  
  
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